Thoughts from your correspondent
by Steve
The more eagle-eyed of you might have noticed I’ve been enjoying a brief sabbatical from this place. Now, I’m eager to move this post beyond just one of those “I haven’t been posting for a while” posts or one of those “Here’s a bit of a holding message, as I might not be posting a while” posts. There is probably more to it than that. Plus, those posts, certainly when executed by me, aren’t that interesting. The draft post I’ve since scrapped for being boring, self-indulgent and basically pointless is evidence enough of that. This is no guarantee that this post will be any less boring, self-indulgent or pointless. But bear with me.
I don’t think I’ve got writer’s block. Not in the classic sense. I can still write, or type, or whatever. I’m sure I completely understand the whole staring-at-a-blank-page thing, as there is always something you can put down. It will just probably be awful. But maybe that is all part of the process – you have to write the terrible stuff to find the good stuff hidden within. That’s just editing, right?
It is more of case of having nothing worthwhile to say. Worthwhile being the key word there. If there is nothing worth saying, why say it at all? I know this doesn’t stop a great many people, and hasn’t stopped me in the past, but it is/was stopping me.
I’ve noticed the internet and the real world seem really grumpy and argumentative and confrontational. I know that has always been the case, but really grumpy/argumentative/confrontational. And none of it feels that constructive. The cyclist and the van driver yelling at each other aren’t making anything any better. The columnists throwing accusations at each other aren’t changing minds. The tweeters moaning, or trolling, or talking down to, or taking some sort of moral high ground aren’t really making a difference either.
I’ve read debates (and heard debates in real life, for that matter) on various subjects, both important and trivial, where people take opposing stances and refuse to back down or take onboard the complexities and nuances of the subject. They fight with ideology and ignorance rather than insight and empathy. The debate becomes a forum for people to score points or promote their ‘brand’ or just generally piss everyone off in a bid to get a reaction. It is pointless, and observing it makes me feel bitter, twisted, lethargic and generally misanthropic.
Why would I join in? What do I really have to add? There are already more than enough white, heterosexual, vaguely middle-class men spouting off, taking up space, hogging the agenda and essentially maintaining the status quo. I don’t think anyone needs to read my views on Woody Allen/Operation Yewtree/Syria/Russia.
I’m not suggesting that nobody should engage in political or cultural dialogue. I just think that if we do so, we should be mindful of what we might achieve, or more likely, what we might not. Are we adding to the hot air being expelled? Are we giving less room to people who really should be given the platform to speak? Are we just making people apathetic by creating a poisonous environment, where nobody wants to engage for fear of a real or metaphorical bloody nose? Are we just preaching to the choir? Are we stopping people from caring?
So, should I just pack up and go home? Of course not. I don’t give up on polluting the internet that easily. But I do need to think about what I want from the internet. The real world is full of idiots and the aggressive and the selfish. I don’t need an internet that replicates that. This needs to be an escape, somewhere where I can restore my faith in humanity, or at least find people who have something interesting to say, or can give me a glimpse of a world beyond my own.
So, maybe I need to curate my internet a little better. Spend a little less time reading the more toxic elements of Twitter. Avoid the more annoying people on Facebook. Swerve opinion columns. Seek out the more interesting and substantial parts of the ol’ world wide web. Maybe step away from the whole internet a little more. But maybe not step into the middle of more horrific elements of the general public. Spend more time with the good people. More time with books. Or just more time mulling stuff over without the noise of the modern world etc. Learn when to look out and when to look in. Or something along those lines.
I guess the point is not that I want to hide away from the world, but that I want to engage in a more meaningful, satisfying way. I want to feel like there is still some humanity and decency in the world. I want to feel a little less like hitting my head against a brick wall. I want to better understand the big stuff without losing my appreciation of the small stuff. I want to treasure the people who give a shit out there and not get weighed down by those who don’t. I want to feel like I’m not condemning everyone without being the fool who is taken in by all the really shitty people out there. I want to appreciate it more when things go right, feel less awful when things don’t. I want to feel like I don’t have to say “I want” so much. I want to say “I want” more, when the time is right. I don’t know what I want.
Which leaves this place. I wonder if I should be posting only whenever I have something valid to add to the world. But I realise that hardly anyone reads anyway, so I might as well post whatever/whenever I want. But keep it fun, for me. And avoid getting all angry/gnarly for you, the reader, as I doubt that will be much fun for either of us.
I’ll probably stick some YouTube videos or something up in the next couple of days, to lighten things up. The old tactic of content without any real content. Maybe I’ll roll out a couple of regular themed posts, or some such jazz. Probably not, but you never know. It doesn’t really matter. I guess the beauty of blogs is that they can be what you want, nobody is obliged to visit and you can keep the idiots out.
I’ll perhaps spend more time on non-blogging writing. Enter some competitions. Fail miserably. Write some more. Hide some notes under the floorboards to be found in a 100 years, published and acclaimed as the great lost works of literature. The usual.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this. I suspect I’ve been a little vague in places. I’m almost certain I’ll regret posting this half-formed thing went I hit ‘Publish’. No change there then. But thanks for reading anyway. Business as usual soon enough. Or not. Or somewhere in-between. Cheers.
Images from Smuk Luka, who has some amazing photos, via Flickr
Definitely do not pack up the internet entirely please. You’ve echoed some of the more positive concerns I am also seeing on the web amidst what I agree has been a period of twickering (bickering on twitter? Oh dear, I have become culturally subsumed!). There was also a plea yesterday for people only to tweet or retweet factual information while new Hillsborough inquiry takes place. This seems like good advice in general. Opinion is great as we all have one but when we are convinced our opinion is the only one we are not sharing information, simply acting like a playground bully. I’m off to check my own interweb offerings now to see if I am a total hypocrite for writing this response 🙂
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Thanks Steven. I suspect I’m a total hypocrite too! I’ve certainly seen a lot of discussion around various legal issues that has made me wince – these are subjects where we really need to rely on facts, not speculation or rumour. I can almost understand it when it is just members of the public, as there will always be idiots piping up, but it is often writers/journalists who should know better.
I don’t think I’ll be packing up the internet entirely – more just concentrating on the good bits!
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Great post. I don’t know what you’d have to be embarrassed about when you hit publish. You hit on a lot of really nice points. Here anyway, winter’s lasting a bit longer than we’d hoped, and I think it’s making people a bit grumpy and uncivil. I’m a pretty happy guy, but I got testy on Twitter the other day with Joyce Carol Oates, of all people. I figure I’m just another middle class guy with an opinion, but really that’s all I have. And besides, I’m right in this case.
Still, I think you hit on some really good points about engaging with the world and the internet in a meaningful way. The part that stuck with me is when you said, “I want to feel like I don’t have to say ‘I want’ so much. I want to say ‘I want’ more, when the time is right. I don’t know what I want.” That’s something I’m working on but it’s a constant struggle. I know that’s a big tenet of Buddhism, freeing yourself from craving. But still, it’s hard. It’s a noble line of thought, but I don’t necessarily go for the whole “accepting what is” thing. There’s too much cool stuff out there. (Warning: Unsolicited Advice. Accept or ignore as you see fit.) I’m trying to make peace with want by spreading my chips a little further—last year, I tried a bunch of new things, like entering a couple writing contests, that buried treasure hunt, running, photo contests, and trying out for a game show. I didn’t want to go at any of these half-assedly, so to speak, so each of them took time and practice. The only one that didn’t work out was the writing contests—and that’s the one I’ve been toiling at the longest. (True, I didn’t find the buried treasure, and I suppose there’s no way to “win” jogging, but they are both interesting enough and provide different ways of looking at the world.) So I guess my unsolicited advice would be, not that different than what you mentioned in the post: curate or avoid the internet, find the positive online and in the read world, take a nice quiet vacation, or a loud one, read a different kind of book, look outward and inward, pick a new hobby, doesn’t really matter what, it could be football or darts or comic book collecting. Make some changes, embrace them, see what sticks, and follow that new path for a while. When that gets boring try something else. Worst that happens is you have a couple of new stories to tell, unless you decide that you want to try skydiving and the parachute doesn’t etc. It won’t free you from want, but it’ll give you new and exciting things to want, and I’m just hoping that there’re enough new experiences out there to keep me occupied til I die. (End unsolicited advice.)
But like Steven mentioned in the comment above, I’d love it if you didn’t quit the internet entirely. I dig the blog. But if that’s what you’ve gotta do…that one frowny emoticon that is shedding a tear, I don’t know how to make that one, but I’d understand.
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Thanks Mike. I certainly think the weather is a factor in making people grumpy. I also think the economic climate doesn’t help, nor the general agenda set by much of the media which is to target and blame the weak and poor, and encourage everyone to just look out for themselves.
Joyce Carol Oates was one of those people who should have probably kept quiet on the Woody Allen story. In fact, I don’t think many people who commented on it came out well, or really added anything valuable to the debate. Cases like that are too complex for platitudes or ideological standpoints, I think. I read everything from “Woody Allen can do no wrong” to “Any man accused of rape should be considered guilty, even if he didn’t actually do anything”. Neither perspective is particularly helpful, and it seems a horrible subject for people to use for points-scoring or making a name for themselves.
Thanks for the advice – I appreciate it. I have a few exciting projects etc coming up, some pretty big and some small. I think I also need to take a break and think about what my priorities are likely to be and pick a few fun things to try, or work more on. I don’t think it hurts to take stock now and then, as it is easy to get into a rut/bad habits/etc, or to feel overwhelmed by having too much to do.
I will certainly keep blogging, I’m just not sure what form it will take. I probably won’t worry too much about it, though. I just want to keep blogging fun, and over the past few weeks I’ve had to restrain myself from posting whiny, crabby posts that won’t do anyone any good, and wouldn’t actually reflect the fact that while I’m finding a lot of the wider world frustrating, there is also a lot I am happy and optimistic about.
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I’d love to hear about some of the things that you’re happy and optimistic about if you’re ever up to blogging about them. Joy is the new angst!
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I might get around to some updates at some point, we’ll see! As for ‘Joy is the new angst’ – I like it! I’d love to write (and love to read) joyful posts that manage to avoid being cloying or head-in-the-sand – seems like more of a challenge, and achievement, than just writing grumpy stuff.
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10, 2011, 12:48)No one hates you. We all tire of your incessant niigtevaty and wooo is me attitude. It is not attractive nor sexually appealing. One has to wonder if you were like this with your wife and that .is why she denies you sex. Honestly, as much as a nympho as I am.I would turn your whiney, pessimistic ass down for sex everytime. At least my vibrator doesn’t make that whiney sound, just a lovely bzzzzz.Light the hell up loverman or you will live and die a bitter, lonely old man.QUOTE (Loverman20088 @ April 10, 2011, 11:17)Do to those ladies out there, what DO you even think of me anyways (and WHY do you all hate me so much???)
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Thhanks for a great read
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